Brain studies show that we literally get addicted to the chemicals emitted by our typical emotional experiences. That means that if you spend significant time in shame, your brain not only gets used to the physical experience of this emotion, but actually seeks it out. This is typically done both via internal ruminations on imperfections or “embarrassing” things we did , and also via outsourcing: making up stories about how someone else negatively perceives us. If your brain is addicted to anger and resentment, it will look for upsetting people or circumstances to orbit around; if it is addicted to fear, it will dwell on what-ifs; if it is addicted to panic and sadness loops, it will paint pictures of being stuck and helpless while frantically convincing you that you need X external thing to get out (when in fact you are the savior you seek), and so on and so forth. Thus, we need to completely rewire our neural-circuitry by nesting so often that we get addicted to safety, and then have space to follow joy.
An important tool throughout this process is the mantra “for me.” Each of the afore mentioned emotions (shame, anger, fear, panic, and sadness) are experienced by our sympathetic and immobilization systems, which is to say that they comprise fight-or-flight (or freeze). Thus, when we experience them, we think that our survival is at stake. To move out of this limited way of living, we must claim the capacity to matter, as described in the previous post, and move onto thriving.
If you take inventory of your present life, you will notice that you have everything you need to thrive, objectively at least. You just need to convince your survival brain that you can let go of the sympathetic nervous system addictions. This is where “for me” comes in. As you move throughout your day, allow this mantra to punctuate everything you do. I don’t mean to become selfish necessarily. Rather, allow yourself to recognize your agency. When you first wake up, your mind will probably go straight to the old addiction if you are early in the nesting process. This may look like an automatic to-do list or dread. Pull your brain back to the present with “for me.” Notice that you are an adult who ultimately is in charge in everything you do. Yes, your day ahead may include many things that you do need to do, and it may even start with doing something for someone else, especially if you are a parent. But, you have the choice to bring yourself fully into the driver’s seat rather than passively going through the motions of life. Say to yourself: “I am doing this for me.” I am making my kids breakfast because I love them. I matter and they matter. I am choosing love and connection right now. Wait, can this actually be enjoyable? Woah.
As you bring yourself into the present, you will have way more access to the energy of your true self (aka parasympathetic nervous system), and you will likely notice that you do even the most mundane checklist items differently. They may look the same, such as pouring the same orange juice you do every day. Maybe they look the sameish, like doing so while singing. For me. I like singing. So what if it sounds bad. This is my life, and I am choosing joy. But your day may start to look drastically different as you follow “for me.” The orange juice may become a superfood blend made exclusively from plants in your new garden. Who knows. Only you know what makes you happy, and only you can follow you. You may not even need to change anything at all in your daily routine to feel substantially different. Maybe all you needed to no longer feel stuck in your job was remembering that you matter and that at the end of the day you are going to that office for you. You always have the option to quit; if you don’t feel like this is an option financially, then you are the one deciding to make money, and you can feel empowered remembering that I am choosing to support myself right now.
Challenge yourself to use “for me” every day for a week. If you find yourself “stuck” in the familiar shame, frustration, or helplessness channel, remember the mantra. You can’t fail at this. Just like on a college campus where impatient students trudge dirt short-cuts across the lawns, you can veer off the established cement paths and chart new ones by returning to them until they become well-worn. At first, everything in you will be pulling you towards the old addiction, but then your brain will catch on that it actually feels really great to feel agent in your own life.