Many people come to therapy looking for salvation. This creates the impression of helplessness and reinforces shame and perceived flaws. It is important to recognize that nobody, not even the world’s best psychic, is going to fix you. All any healer can do is connect you to your intuitive capacity to heal yourself. You are the savior you seek. Once you realize this, then you can fully claim your capacity to matter, to seek pleasure, and to move forward with confidence. In other words, once you realize your capacity to heal yourself, and once you understand that the past is over and you are free to live in the present and pursue your wildest dreams unobstructed, you are healed.
In the following blog posts, we will explore what comes after nesting. All these steps are important to human development and to enabling an integrated, whole adult able to contributed to his or her larger ecosystem. These steps consist of “post-traumatic growth,” or the ability to understand that one has not only survived but is also able to disentangle from this identity and move on to thriving in life. In order to fully check off nesting and feel entitled to what comes next, it is important to fully grasp the extent to which you have everything you need within you. Without this realization and the safety required to accept this present reality, you can never really move out of being an infant constantly seeking a caregiver’s love and affection. And though you may move on to the next developmental phases of learning to play, to be curious, to become social, generative, and industrious, you can never master these, and thus you can never become a true adult—you can never truly be capable of actualizing authentic connection and contribution to others and your greater-than-human surroundings.
To move onto thriving, it is important that you allow your innately nurturing, true self to be the solution for your whole system. You are the only one who can heal your traumatized, fragmented parts of your consciousness that still feel locked in time and under attack. Believing a therapist or other healer to be the solution is an impossible setup. Therapists are here to help you realize that no part of you is bad and that they all deserve the compassion required to help them integrate into an adult consciousness. If you believe that you need to get rid of parts of yourself and need someone else to fix you, then these parts will only become stronger as they fight to not be expunged. Every part of you served a purpose, as discussed in the previous posts, but now they don’t need to use old mechanisms anymore, that is, if they trust that you are able to lead your whole mind as a compassionate nurturer with whom they can feel safe. [I use the third person because fragmented memories and traumas really do function as ego states with minds of their own.]
In addition to “for me” and “I matter,” there are a few other mantras that can help cognitively lead the nesting process of shifting towards comfort, pleasure, and joy as governing forces. These to not take the place of self-care practices, but they help integrate mind and body as compassionate, empowered self-leadership becomes second nature.
First, remind yourself of your goal for seeking therapy in the first place and use this as your compass. For most people, its to ultimately feel self-love. Keep coming back to this. Ask yourself throughout the day: “Is this something somebody who loves themselves would do or say?” If the answer is no, shake off the energy that was compelling a certain thought or action and try to embody the loving alternative.
Second, it is important to let your guard down and open up your heart to vulnerability. Like a bird learning to fly, you must be willing to bare your chest, knowing that you are an adult who can take care of yourself if someone hurts you. To do so, the mantra “I am willing to let life love me” can help you let in not only yourself but also others. It can help take down the wall that was preventing you from feeling. At a certain point, it was probably necessary to block out the bad, but this came at the expense of feeling the good. Most people around you are also just trying to live their lives and will predominantly be rooting for you and are similarly yearning for connection. Those who are judgmental have their own unhealed wounds barring them from the connection and love we innately crave as humans. Why let them project these onto you? You can determine to not take their negativity. You are truly the adult who can give yourself everything you need now. You don’t need everyone you cross paths with to love you or approve of you, nor is this possible.
Finally, it is helpful to emphasize: “I forgive myself for not knowing how lovable I am.” As you shift out of self-criticism, your mind will naturally be looking for imperfections and outlets for negative energy. Rather than seeking to forgive yourself for not being perfect, it is important that you rewrite this narrative and unlearn negativity entirely. The only thing there is to really strive for here is knowing that you are lovable. You can’t fail at this, but you can forgive yourself each time you falter. You are a beginner. This is a new skill. You will forget that you are lovable. Keep forgiving yourself for this.